Gratitude vs Hopelessness: Tough Being Me

It has been tough being me lately.

Me and the desk chair have not been getting along lately. Manly it is the pressure on my bottom. It affects Twitter and Facebook, But I do what I can. I was diagnosed with stage 4 colon and liver cancer like Feb 2013.On Feb 18, 2013, they put in a chemo port due to the fact that the chemotherapy is so strong that it could damage the skin if given any other way. It was a one day surgery. I started on 5FU or Fluorouracil. Since then I have have about 24 rounds of Chemo with no radiation and other surgery. I went off chemo about Aug, when the count went down to 5. My weight had dropped from my normal 120 to 100. I lost 20 lbs of muscle. I was sleeping ALL the time and getting depressed. I was losing my hope.

I had to move since my daughter was having martial problems. Now I have two flights of stairs to conquer as there is no elevator. With groceries I must go between floors bringing up a little at a time and I must sit and catch my breath. Sometimes my neighbors help me bring them up, which much appreciated.

About Dec 16 my liver filled itself with tumors bringing along with it great pain. You know when the doctor asked you what your pain level is 1 to 10? This over 10. Since I was off chemo and the cancer count was increasing, my oncologist Hensold Jack O MD asked me if I wanted to go the pill form of the 5FU called Capecitabine and he ordered it. They sent me home with pain relievers and anti-nausea meds that made me throw up. Didn't work anyway. You know when you have that kind pain, throwing up is the last thing you want to do. I threw them in a drawer and have not taken any. Nor have I taken this Capecitabine. When it arrived I read the label and ask the Lord about it. I got a no don't take it and that was all it took for me throw them in the drawer also. I am still off chemo. Doesn't look like anything anyone would want to take.

On Christmas I spent the night at my daughters. Her bed is very nice and made me look hard at my bed since I was not sleeping very well. Waking often and not feeling resting when I slept. I made changes that are more pleasant for me now. Like those ridiculous pajama pants. They bunch up at the knees and I would wake several times at night just to straighten them. Nightgown from now on.

I took Louie with me to my daughters. He is the little papillon that been with me for 5 years now. A couple of things happened that made take hard look at all the stress involved in his care. Being a small dog he needed to able to go out more then twice a day. Taking him out involved bundling up, going down two flights of stairs around the building to a small patch of area there he went. Every time I went to the bathroom, I imagined that he needed to go and I would stress about it. After much consideration I rehomed him. It is better for us both.

I still have my beautiful "Spirit" cat, she has been with me 5 years and loves to cuddle in the wintertime. 3 am Cabin fever tangents drive me nuts. I refuse to put her out in the snow and ice. I have a small collection of pillows on my bed that I throw at her, which usually stops the meowing. She gets wild with her many toys and then settles down.

I also do what I call conscious breathing. I draw in deep breath in into my bowels, saying thank on the in breath and you on the out breath. I imagine God healing breath coming in. Praise God! I also do this on the stairs.

There are two organs that produce bile for digestion. The gallbladder and the liver. My gallbladder was removed in 2003 after it filled up with stones and causing great pain.

Now I have a hard knot about the size of a egg at the pit of my stomach and thinking it could be impacted fetal material, I did a colon cleanse. It is still there. Liver swelled with tumors full of
Cancer. The liver usually tucked under the rib cage. My liver dropped and that accounts for the knot below my stomach. Cancer in the bile ducts blocked the flow of bile from the liver to the intestine. This causes bile to flow back into the blood and body tissues, and the skin and whites of the eyes to become yellow (jaundice). It also causes the urine to become a dark yellow color and stools (bowel motions) to look pale. So it dumps bile into the urine.

I am no longer able to eat as I throw back up and Juicing is all I can take in. The practitioner for Jack Hensold Jack O MD suggested that I be admitted to the hospital and surgery to put a stint in the bile duct to open it up and relieve the bile build up. She called Jack Hensold Jack O MD and he started me on the chemo " Oxaliplatin" This was the only chemo I could take since the liver is so bad off. I simply could longer do the 5FU. I also started the coffee enemas to get that bile duct open. The pain is great. These coffee enemas give me a chance to have the the liver spit out the toxins. Coffee enemas are a way to remove circulating toxins and partial metabolites by dilating bile ducts and cleansing the liver. http://www.treating-cancer-alternatively.com/Coffee-enemas.html It is my only hope, unless of sweet Jesus brings my a new liver. I pray everyday that he will.

1 of 3 people get cancer.
The need to detox is ever growing.
Did you know that everyone has a
cancer blood count? Normal is 3.
I thought I was healthy as a horse,
but I was mistaken.

On Jan 15, 2015, I was taken to enermacy and amitted into the hospital due the great pain and that fact the I had turned yellow. They have gotten the pain under control, but not much can be done about the jaundice.

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